After the Dust Settles… Hitmen Victorious Again

by Ice, July 22, 2010, 11:49 pm

Normally, I use this space to recap a team effort and attempt to capture some of the flavor of the latest Hitmen game. That is all well and good. But, sometimes the performance of a single Hitman is so spectacular, so awesome, and so impressive that it is necessary to dispatch with the normal recipe and spotlight that individual. Ladies and gentlemen… Chainsaw.

In the top of the eighth inning, with the Hitmen holding a comfortable lead over Pews Your Daddy, young Chainsaw took his position in Centerfield. “Centerfield?” you ask, “I thought Chainsaw generally pitched.” Not when John Stamos is managing, apparently. Our favorite woodsman was brimming with confidence as he turned to Left Fielder Ice and said, “Anything between us is yours.” But Chainsaw is a team player and so, he readied for action and attempted to familiarize himself with his surroundings.

Looking around, our protagonist saw a fairly normal set of obstacles in the realm of Mall softball. In front of him was the normal patchy grass. To his left was a major tourist attraction — the Smithsonian carousel in this case — and behind him was a wide gravel path well traveled by families and tourists. Pretty standard fare for the CSL but also fairly dangerous if you stopped to think about it, which Chainsaw tried not to.

The inning started innocently enough. There were a couple of hits, probably an error or two. The game was already in the books, so the Hitmen’s concentration was probably not at it’s highest level of the season. And then up stepped one of the Pew’s Your Daddy power hitters. He let a couple pitches go and then unleashed a mighty swing… The ball sailed deep to right center field between Chainsaw and Hurricane.

All eyes turned skyward to admire the blast. But, when the ball began to fall back toward earth, we lost sight of it as, out of nowhere, an incredible dark cloud of dust erupted in Centerfield. As the particles flew about, Hitmen and Daddies alike had trouble discerning what was happening. The world seemed to stop as the cloud advanced over the Mall. This dark advance was accompanied by the grusome sounds of skidding, crashing and grinding. It was all quite alarming, especially when we realized that Chainsaw had gone missing, apparently absorbed — and possibly eaten — by the mysterious dust cloud. Panic abounded, especially in the person of Lennifer who lamented that her camera’s memory card was full and she had been unable to document the phenomenon.

However, as we reached the pits of despair, Chainsaw rose up from the earth like a Phoenix. He was bloodied and bruised and dirty but otherwise okay. And since he had not come within 30 yards of the ball, it was funny as hell.

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Hitmen Manage Stalemate with NPS

by Ice, July 9, 2010, 12:04 am

Tonight’s contest against the Dinh and Tonics proved far more eventful than anyone imagined for a lazy day in July. First there was the difficulty of getting the field. Per standard procedure, Ice attempted to pass the buck to the opponent over email. However, the experienced D&T captain would have none of it. This wasn’t her first rodeo. And so, the game seemed destined to be canceled… until Knitts stepped to the forefront.

Announcing to co-workers that he had “scheduled a site visit,” he took off in search of an spot in the mid afternoon. After searching long and hard (that’s what she said) he found an open plot near 21st and Constitution — a spot which was familiar to the Hitmen since it had been the site of the USPP’s Prohibition style raid on our Miller Light a few weeks earlier. All seemed well. And it was… for awhile.

Per usual, the game started late. This was because the other team (for once) was slow to arrive and because pur starting First Basemen, Kolly, felt the need to conduct a lengthy conference call while standing under a distant tree with his beer and cigarette. Some nerve for a guy who has only shown up twice all season.

This delay meant that when Harry the Park Ranger came by and interrupted our game, we had only played three innings. Harry’s news was that the field we had selected was not approved for softball by the NPS, and that we had to move. There was some mention of the need to keep the space where we were playing clear in order to preserve the vista to and from the surrounding memorials. This argument might have been more convincing had the Park Service not erected a six foot high chained link fence between us and the memorials to which Harry was referring. Unswayed by logic and unimpressed with Ice’s mention that he had once worn the green and gray himself, Harry reiterated several times that the game must be moved.

As the situation spiraled toward an impasse, Lil Bow Wow and Murry stepped in and negotiated a stay of execution. Harry agreed to allow us to play for 30 more minutes if we said, “Please,” and “Thank you,” and promised to put our toys away afterward. It proved to be a decent arrangement for all. Harry left with the pride of a job well done and we got to play a few more innings AND get to the bar earlier. Thanks, Harry!

Posted in Game reports, Home page, Rants & Raves, Uncategorized

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Inspired Management, Sunflower Seeds Lead Hitmen to Victory

by Ice, July 2, 2010, 12:52 am

Well, as many Hitman and Hitwoman have pointed out, it’s been a long time since the team website was updated. There are reasons for this — some good, some bad — but why dwell on the past? The drought is over… at least for now.

On Thursday, the Hitmen took their undefeated record to the mean streets of Northeast DC for a clash with a familiar CSL adversary, the Baltimore Oracles, on the Oracles’ home field at the Ludlow-Something-Or-Another Elementary School. It promised to be a good matchup… until the Hitmen discovered that no one had brought any beer, at which point interest began to wane significantly. After all, thanks to the generosity of a few select beer gatherers — Murry and Phil chief among them — it has been quite awhile since our squad has played a game without the benefit of liquid courage. By this point, there was legitimate reason to question whether the Hitmen were even capable of playing a came which didn’t involve solo cups.

Faced with this predicament, there was a brief discussion of dispatching someone to go pick up a case — a quest, which would have involved walking all of two blocks while carrying a credit card. However, this idea was universally panned in favor of other favorite Hitmen pastimes: general laziness and complaining. Continuing the trend of apathy, so called “Captain,” Ice, proclaimed his disinterest in fulfilling any of the normal managerial duties for the game, and others wondered aloud if we should just skip the charade altogether and head straight to the bar.

Fortunately for all involved a new leader emerged from the shadows in our darkest moments of despair… Shadow, himself. Rallying the troops with promises of equal playing time, an all-expenses paid Dewey Beach vacation, and a Costco sized sack of sunflower seeds, he won back the hearts and minds of a wayward squad, which was about ready to throw in the towel. It was truly something to behold… Leadership at its finest.

Disregarding all conventional (and legal) methods of game management, Shadow made the Hitmen forget about their sober state and concentrate on the task at hand. Hit after hit, throw after throw, he led them toward softball enlightenment, like some sort of softball Buddha. Through his inspired leadership, the Hitmen discovered that, with minor effort and thoughtful juggling of the lineup, victory could be theirs, with or without a cooler of brews. And so it was… 15-5.

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