The Hitmen pose for a photo after falling to Affairs Not Relations.
The Hitmen pose for a photo after falling to Affairs Not Relations

A Rough Affair for the Hitmen

by Ice, June 27, 2008, 1:52 am

What rhymes with “sucking”? Wait… J.R., you are not allowed to answer that… It would give you too much pleasure.

Yes, it was another rough Thursday for the Hitmen. While hopes ran high to start a real winning streak, the bats and gloves did not cooperate and the Hitmen fell to a ragtag Affairs Not Relations squad by a score of 14-11 (if you believe the Affairs’ “scorebook”).

Questionable scorekeeping aside, the Hitmen’s performance was remarkably unremarkable. Indeed, this one followed the now all-too-familiar pattern: Start the game by making 6-8 errors in the first inning. Fall behind big. Finally wake up and realize that there is a softball game going on and, holy shit, our team is playing in it. Stage a late rally that is almost–but not quite enough–to overcome the deficit. Chalk up another loss in the standings.

I think I’ve seen this movie before. It was called Hitmen vs. Raising Arizona… or Hitmen vs. Borderliners… or Hitmen vs. Minnesota 5lb Bass. Time to write a new script.

The Hitmen celebrate their return to the win column.
The Hitmen celebrate their return to the win column

There’s safety in numbers for the Hitmen

by Ice, June 20, 2008, 1:02 am

It brings joy to a softball captain’s heart when he arrives on the Mall to see a mass of teammates jerseys already gathered, ready to play. It sure beats the shit out of frantic phone calls trying to round enough enough warm bodies to field a squad.

Today was on of those glorious days. The Hillbilly bunch came out en force, numbering sixteen strong for this week’s contest against the Walk-Us Caucus. Everywhere you looked, there was a Hitman or Hitwoman.

In addition to the usual cast of characters, we welcomed back famed Hitmen alums BCEagle and Euro Trash, who were in town for their customary beach weekend of drunken debauchery. Despite pre-game predictions of rustiness, they looked as if they hadn’t missed a beat.

So, too, did Stanto, who returned to the squad after a few weeks off tending to his in-laws, child and other adult-type responsibilities. Exhibiting pinpoint control, Pops hurled two perfect innings on the mound (or manhole cover, as the case may have been) before turning the ball over to WhoShotJR. It was a sign of good things to come for the Hitmen, who sent wave after wave of mashers to the plate and around the bases on our way to a big victory.

It feels good to be back in the win column, so I won’t ruin the mood by discussing our showing on the flip cup table later…

The Hitmen finish the beer after failing to hook the bass.
The Hitmen finish the beer after failing to hook the Bass.

Hitmen fail to hook bass

by Ice, June 19, 2008, 11:50 pm

It’s the headline no one wanted to read but, alas, it’s true. In the teams’ first matchup since last year’s testy contest, the Hillbilly Hitmen fell to the Minnesota 5lb Bass on the fields of Anacostia… or River Terrace… or Benning Park… or wherever the bass play these days.

On this day the Hitmen were foiled by piss poor defense and general apathy in the early innings. The Bass’s insistence on playing with a Nerf ball did not help matters. But, in the final analysis we can blame no one but ourselves. Neither a late innings power boost from BigStick (after we got serious with the Serious Softball) or Chainsaw and IHeartKickball’s arrival with our brand new jerseys were enough to spur us to victory. Apparently we just aren’t very good fishermen…

This realization, it seems, was too much for our supposedly calm and collected pitcher, WhoShotJR, to handle. As the rest of us gathered at game’s end to consume the last of the Miller Light, JR made a hasty retreat to his car. Within seconds, the only evidence of his presence was a still-fresh trail of f-bombs and a small pile of Kolly’s personal belongings, which JR offloaded before speeding away. Fortunately paparazzi photographer Murry was on the case and captured JR’s retreat in some sweet action photos.

The Hitmen take refuge at the bar after falling to the Borderliners, 16-11.
The Hitmen take refuge at the bar after falling to the Borderliners, 16-11.

Gerrymandering Border Guards Foil Hitmen

by Ice, June 6, 2008, 1:16 am

As dedicated fans of the Hitmen well know, we are not a group that likes to be hemmed in by rules and regulations. This attitude makes us a perfect match for the CSL, a league which, as far as anyone knows, has no actual rules. It’s pretty much an anything-goes atmosphere. Umpires? Nah… Balls and strikes? Not recommended… Illegal alcohol consumption? You bet… It seems, however, that some do not share our love for softball anarchy.

As it turned out, tonight’s adversary, the CPB Borderliners, a crew of staffers and guards from the Department of Homeland Security, are one such group. From the magic carpet behind the plate to the precisely measured bases, the Borderliners exhibited a softball seriousness seldom seen on the Mall in the summertime. It was, quite frankly, a bit strange and a tad bit alarming…

Still, the Hitmen fought gamely in the unfamiliar environs. After falling behind early when the law enforcers gerrymandered a foul ball into a grand slam (it’s amazing how the rules change when you have the opportunity to plate four runs), the Hitmen fought back.

As our bats woke up, 7 year vet Murry kept the border guards down with some stellar glove work at second base. Flashing the leather left and right, she stabbed sharp grounder after sharp grounder frustrating the border guards and their crazy first basemen/umpire/mascot “Art.” Initially content to flip the ball to the shortstop for the force out, Murry soon began handling things on her own, choosing to race baserunners to the bag with her superhuman speed. Cue the dramatic background music…

On the mound, WhoShotJR kept the Borderliner bats cool most of the night, and kept himself cool as well, except for a few errant F-Bombs when a tourist chose to aid the opposition. Fortunately, the Weatherman was on the scene to restore mild and temperate conditions when necessary.

In the end, the game didn’t go our way as the Hitmen fell by a count of 16-11. But, it was a fun evening. I will even (begrudgingly) admit that playing with balls and strikes and “rules” can only serve us well in the future. Still, for the record, that ball was #$%^& foul. One would think the border guards would be a little better at minding the boundaries.

The Hitmen pose on the Mall after disposing of the kickballers and the Megawamps.
The Hitmen pose on the Mall after disposing of the kickballers and the Megawamps.

Hitmen take aim at kickballers, Megawamps caught in crossfire

by Ice, June 5, 2008, 1:12 am

Historically, the Hitmen have stood for all things that are good and pure about Congressional League Softball… general disinterest rules, a love of flip cup, and a deep animosity toward the kickballers. In recent years, however, this third tenant has been muted a bit as certain members of our squad (I’m looking at you KBeast and Teach) have decided to double dip. While we forgive them for these transgressions (sort of… sometimes… not really), every now and then we need to return to our roots.

Last Thursday’s game on the Washington Monument grounds proved to be one of those times. While the schedule will show that the contest was against the Megawamps softball team, our true enemy this day was the legion of green and red clad kickballers occupying left field. They might as well have been a giant target.

Starting in the first inning, Hitmen sluggers took aim, launching blast after blast into the kiddie game. It was great entertainment to watch them scatter and scurry as real balls from a real sport fell from the heavens upon them. The barrage continued until the Hitmen had rounded the bases some 36 times, each step a declaration of dominance, on the way to victory.

If you ask me, we should get credit for 2 wins… and a medal of honor.