In the top of the eighth inning, with the Hitmen holding a comfortable lead over Pews Your Daddy, young Chainsaw took his position in Centerfield. “Centerfield?” you ask, “I thought Chainsaw generally pitched.” Not when John Stamos is managing, apparently. Our favorite woodsman was brimming with confidence as he turned to Left Fielder Ice and said, “Anything between us is yours.” But Chainsaw is a team player and so, he readied for action and attempted to familiarize himself with his surroundings.

Looking around, our protagonist saw a fairly normal set of obstacles in the realm of Mall softball. In front of him was the normal patchy grass. To his left was a major tourist attraction — the Smithsonian carousel in this case — and behind him was a wide gravel path well traveled by families and tourists. Pretty standard fare for the CSL but also fairly dangerous if you stopped to think about it, which Chainsaw tried not to.

The inning started innocently enough. There were a couple of hits, probably an error or two. The game was already in the books, so the Hitmen’s concentration was probably not at it’s highest level of the season. And then up stepped one of the Pew’s Your Daddy power hitters. He let a couple pitches go and then unleashed a mighty swing… The ball sailed deep to right center field between Chainsaw and Hurricane.

All eyes turned skyward to admire the blast. But, when the ball began to fall back toward earth, we lost sight of it as, out of nowhere, an incredible dark cloud of dust erupted in Centerfield. As the particles flew about, Hitmen and Daddies alike had trouble discerning what was happening. The world seemed to stop as the cloud advanced over the Mall. This dark advance was accompanied by the grusome sounds of skidding, crashing and grinding. It was all quite alarming, especially when we realized that Chainsaw had gone missing, apparently absorbed — and possibly eaten — by the mysterious dust cloud. Panic abounded, especially in the person of Lennifer who lamented that her camera’s memory card was full and she had been unable to document the phenomenon.

However, as we reached the pits of despair, Chainsaw rose up from the earth like a Phoenix. He was bloodied and bruised and dirty but otherwise okay. And since he had not come within 30 yards of the ball, it was funny as hell.

Announcing to co-workers that he had “scheduled a site visit,” he took off in search of an spot in the mid afternoon. After searching long and hard (that’s what she said) he found an open plot near 21st and Constitution — a spot which was familiar to the Hitmen since it had been the site of the USPP’s Prohibition style raid on our Miller Light a few weeks earlier. All seemed well. And it was… for awhile.

Per usual, the game started late. This was because the other team (for once) was slow to arrive and because pur starting First Basemen, Kolly, felt the need to conduct a lengthy conference call while standing under a distant tree with his beer and cigarette. Some nerve for a guy who has only shown up twice all season.

This delay meant that when Harry the Park Ranger came by and interrupted our game, we had only played three innings. Harry’s news was that the field we had selected was not approved for softball by the NPS, and that we had to move. There was some mention of the need to keep the space where we were playing clear in order to preserve the vista to and from the surrounding memorials. This argument might have been more convincing had the Park Service not erected a six foot high chained link fence between us and the memorials to which Harry was referring. Unswayed by logic and unimpressed with Ice’s mention that he had once worn the green and gray himself, Harry reiterated several times that the game must be moved.

As the situation spiraled toward an impasse, Lil Bow Wow and Murry stepped in and negotiated a stay of execution. Harry agreed to allow us to play for 30 more minutes if we said, “Please,” and “Thank you,” and promised to put our toys away afterward. It proved to be a decent arrangement for all. Harry left with the pride of a job well done and we got to play a few more innings AND get to the bar earlier. Thanks, Harry!

On Thursday, the Hitmen took their undefeated record to the mean streets of Northeast DC for a clash with a familiar CSL adversary, the Baltimore Oracles, on the Oracles’ home field at the Ludlow-Something-Or-Another Elementary School. It promised to be a good matchup… until the Hitmen discovered that no one had brought any beer, at which point interest began to wane significantly. After all, thanks to the generosity of a few select beer gatherers — Murry and Phil chief among them — it has been quite awhile since our squad has played a game without the benefit of liquid courage. By this point, there was legitimate reason to question whether the Hitmen were even capable of playing a came which didn’t involve solo cups.

Faced with this predicament, there was a brief discussion of dispatching someone to go pick up a case — a quest, which would have involved walking all of two blocks while carrying a credit card. However, this idea was universally panned in favor of other favorite Hitmen pastimes: general laziness and complaining. Continuing the trend of apathy, so called “Captain,” Ice, proclaimed his disinterest in fulfilling any of the normal managerial duties for the game, and others wondered aloud if we should just skip the charade altogether and head straight to the bar.

Fortunately for all involved a new leader emerged from the shadows in our darkest moments of despair… Shadow, himself. Rallying the troops with promises of equal playing time, an all-expenses paid Dewey Beach vacation, and a Costco sized sack of sunflower seeds, he won back the hearts and minds of a wayward squad, which was about ready to throw in the towel. It was truly something to behold… Leadership at its finest.

Disregarding all conventional (and legal) methods of game management, Shadow made the Hitmen forget about their sober state and concentrate on the task at hand. Hit after hit, throw after throw, he led them toward softball enlightenment, like some sort of softball Buddha. Through his inspired leadership, the Hitmen discovered that, with minor effort and thoughtful juggling of the lineup, victory could be theirs, with or without a cooler of brews. And so it was… 15-5.

Well, fortunately, for us, the weather did clear (temporarily, as we would find out) by the time most of us made it down to the Mall. Our reward? A matchup against Raisin’ Arizona – the squad that had throttled us in our season opener a year ago and gone on to finish third in the end of season tournament.

But, we are a different team than we were the last time we played them. In fact, we were a different team than the last time we played anybody, as the game saw the return of long-lost Hitmen Kbeast and Freckles. Nice to see you again, ladies! Remember us? Just in case you’ve forgotten, KB, this game isn’t played with a big red kickball.

After a getting a late start because of the weather, we began the game on a high note as Lil Bow Wow smacked a homer. Things got better from there as Detroit’s Finest, InsuranceClaim and others followed with knocks, and we built an early lead. Though the game got a little dicey later, after we let a few balls get over/under/around us, the early hits proved to be enough to hold off the cacti until a second monsoon came through and sent us scrambling for the bar. A four inning victory? We’ll take it!

But, I’ll try to focus on the positive…

The game marked the debut of our 2009 Hitmen jerseys (thanks, Evil Twin!) so, for once, we actually looked like a team instead of a rag tag band of randos. The game also marked the season debut of veteran Hitwoman Deke, who was back from New York City to hold down the catcher position.

Spurred by these developments, we played pretty solid ball for six and a half innings. Timely — if unspectacular — hitting and relatively solid defense (especially by Hitmen standards) gave us a 12-7 lead going into the bottom of the seventh — a minor miracle considering that we had started the game shorthanded when offensive stalwarts Bow Wow and Kinger went MIA after going in search of beer… er, I mean, Gatorade. (Fortunately they returned by the third inning with thirst-quenching beverages in tow.) Indeed, things were looking positive for quite awhile.

Sadly, however, it just wasn’t meant to be. In the bottom of the seventh, the ‘Fingers rallied. A string of base hits followed by a homer spelled the Hitmen’s demise. While we wished it wasn’t so, the scorecard (a.k.a. the chicken scratch in the back of Knitts’s LSAT review book) didn’t lie. We had been bested.

Fortunately, however, we’re not a crew who worries too much about such things. Rather than dwell on the defeat, most of the traditional post-game meal at MBP was spent heckling Gabs about her new favorite nickname. “Punky Brewster” no more!

However, these aren’t your grandmother’s Hitmen. In a startling display of mettle and guts, the hometown NINE (not ten because some usually reliable “teammates” decided to go to the beach with their kickball buddies instead of supporting the cause — I’m looking at you, KB) rose to the occasion. It was a sight to behold.

Leading off the bottom of the seventh, Lil Bow smacked a hit off of the pitcher’s shin and Knitts drove him in with a solid knock to left. Two more hits by BigStick and Insurance Claim closed the deficit to one. And then, up stepped Kolly with a runner on third… As the band cued up the dramatic music (no really, there was a band on the stage out behind left field) our weary third basemen dug into the box (40 hour work weeks are a bitch, eh, big fella?). After taking a few pitches and fouling off another, he launched a drive to left, over the outstretched arms of the Runs’ left fielder.

Game over, suckers. Hitmen win.

And so, while many other squads called off their games this week, we pressed on. Or, rather, a few of us pressed on. Despite the above claims about our deep commitment, attendance for the game was… shall we say… sparse. As the FDICers assembled a small army of softballers, the Hitmen could only muster a handful of players. A series of frantic phone calls yielded a lot of poor excuses and but little else, so we were still shorthanded when it came time to start the game. Unwilling to give in, however, we borrowed a catcher from the forgiving FDICers and engaged the patented Hitmen three man infield.

Thankfully this arrangement did not last long. By the second inning Harold & Davekumar (who, like Chainsaw, changed out of his office clothes on the field) appeared on the scene and Freckles arrived a short time later to take over the catching duties. Though still down a position player, we were – at long last – legit!

And we played like it! Our bats woke up and our fielding was strong. Other than a few baserunning blunders – like Ice doing a face plant between first and second – it was a solid performance. Put another win in the books!

Well, let’s just say the evening didn’t go quite as planned. While the Evite suggested a healthy turnout, there were only seven Hitmen on site when it came time for the game to start. Not wanting to risk the forfeit, Lil Bow Wow, and Knitts – who made his triumphant return to the Hitmen after a few years in Georgia – rallied the troops and prepared for battle. Thinking quickly, they put together a batting lineup and designed an innovative 2-infielders defense, hoping to buy time until reinforcements arrived (hopefully with a cooler and cups in tow, since Murry had been forced to leave the 30 pack in her trunk.)

For awhile, it seemed as if the strategy was working. The Hitmen scored three runs in the top of the first inning, and were able to hold the Ripkens to just one. Meanwhile, slowly, but surely, more Hitmen arrived on the scene. Ice appeared from behind the World War II memorial. A short time later, EvilTwin and JohnStamos wandered in from the thickets beyond left field. Soon we had a full complement of fielders.

Strangely, however, as our ranks swelled, our performance seemed to slip – the bats grew quiet and our fielding (especially in centerfield) grew lazy. Unfortunately, it all added up to a 12-9 defeat for the Hitmen. It was disappointing, but we kept it in perspective as the conversation soon turned to more important subjects, like whether to head to MBP, or just pop open the trunk of Murry’s Jetta.